I started the new work schedule yesterday. It felt good to be out on a Tuesday, especially knowing that Friday is quitting time and this week I’ll be headed out-of-town for a mini vacation. Because there’s a plethora of shifts at the moment, I got out at three o’clock in the afternoon, worked the full ten hours, made my money and was home before the bartenders were calling last call.
Maybe I won’t need to worry too hard about making up extra money if Tuesdays stay like they were last night. Hell, maybe I’ll only need to work one Saturday night a month. Here’s to hoping, anyways.
But there’s other stuff swirling around my brain these days, and it’s making me want to drink.
Okay, let me clarify.
I don’t really want to drink and I don’t really want to get high and I don’t really want to throw away over four years of continuous sobriety over the chatter in my brain. But the intrusive thoughts that maybe I could get some relief if I just poured myself a cold one or floated off into some astral projection on a rail of ketamine or smoked a balloon full of dope are all there. They haven’t been so prevalent in a long time and it’s made me realize that maybe my sobriety has been on autopilot for a minute and I didn’t realize it until this past week.
I’ve not been in this current state I’m in since I got sober. I have a girlfriend, I’m in love, I’m back to working nights, I haven’t been super physically active this whole year, I’m dealing with some health issues and I’ve been off medication for almost six month. A lot of my good friends have left the city for other parts of the Bay or other time zones altogether. Things feel… unfamiliar.
Thankfully, I know what to do and I have folks I can talk to about it, but man – walking by a kid sticking a needle in his arm and feeling a tinge of jealousy over something I know I don’t wanna do to myself?
I could do without that feeling, thanks.
So looks like it’s time to spend a little more time and action addressing my sobriety, which after all, is responsible for most of the good things that have come into my life in the past five years. I wouldn’t be writing this right now if I was still high, I wouldn’t have a girlfriend if I was still drinking, and I wouldn’t be watching my little nephew grow up if I was still selling drugs. There’s a good chance that with the way I liked the needle that I wouldn’t even be here at all.
So I guess I can be grateful for all of that.
These are hard things to remember in those moments of discomfort and doubt that have been coming up lately, but part of the reason I write is because sometimes I need to spell out in black and white the good things in my life, lest I forget them.
I think a little yoga could stand to be in my future too, as I always feel clearer and calmer after stretching for an hour or so. My mind always feels lighter after being forced to contort itself into a series of down dog, cobra, sun salutations and all that jazz.
But today, I’ve been saved again by words.
For now.
